Words are fucking difficult

Apologies for the NSFW language. But not really. My words have decided to go play hide and seek again tonight. Not as badly as the night of my first blog post, because I can still write, although it takes a bit more effort than usual.

But the talking?

Yeah, not so good.

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21 thoughts on “Words are fucking difficult

  1. I edited this post to add the story. But then the post became about the swindling and not the non-speaking thing. So I’ve decided to add it in the comments.

    I’m a home owner, so I’ve added some stuff about home maintenance to my Regularly list, like getting the outside woodwork painted. I’d scheduled that for next year because I can’t afford to get it done now. Painters are expensive here. They probably all think they’re Van Gogh or something.

    So this morning when this Irish guy knocked on the door and said, “Do you want your woodwork painted because we’re just finishing up a job for your neighbours and we have some materials left over and we already have the scaffolding and such, so we can offer you a really good price,” and it REALLY was a good price, about 25% of what I was expecting to pay… I inwardly jumped and bounced with joy because that would mean one item off my to-do list ahead of time! Without having to do anything for it!

    And I know I’m more gullible than I think so I checked with my mother whether it was too good to be true and she said it sounded legit. And then I checked with my partner in the UK and he said it sounded legit. And when they let me know that my gutters were all leaky and they couldn’t do the paintwork without also fixing the zinc in the gutter because the woodwork was too wet, I had my partner talk to them on the phone because he’s a native speaker and a guy so they might be a bit more intimidated.

    I really tried. I really really tried. I put my foot down when they tried charging me extra for sanding down the front door, because that wasn’t what I had asked them to do. I said to the guy who wanted half of the payment up front for doing the gutters, that this wasn’t what I’d agreed on with his colleague, we’d agreed on payment afterwards. I objected about the price of the guttering and asked why it was so expensive and why did they finish so quickly. I made them sign a receipt for the money and badgered them for contact details. I fought them every step of the way.

    But they had an explanation for everything. And so I had to pay them. Even though I knew something was wrong. Because not paying someone is also wrong.

    I got swindled.

    It was a lot of money.

  2. Oh my, that’s terrible. I’m upset about the effect it’s had on you and angry at the con artists. I’m holding back from an angry rant here because I don’t think it wouldn’t help any.

    We had an experience last year with Irish travelers offering to repair the driveway in front of our flat: they said they had just done a job locally and had materials left over. Apart from the fact we live in a rented flat so any work is up to the landlord, my wife had encountered this kind of scam before and saw them off quickly with a few words that are probably even less SFW. If I had been on my own I know I’d have fallen for it because they seemed so believable and I’m very trusting (too trusting — naive is how my wife describes it).

    Thing is… I like being trusting, thinking the best of people. I don’t want to be questioning the motives of everyone I meet. But incidents like this can poison one’s view of fellow humans. And that is a sad thought.

    • I like being trusting too. But I really can’t afford to lose the money. So yeah, I basically need to have someone living with me before I can allow myself to be me.

      But now I’m thinking that maybe I should take the explanation off again. Because I didn’t mean my post to be about the swindle. But about how it’s affected me. The feeling cold has gone now that I’ve eaten something (thanks to my partner who, despite me stressing out over money money money, told me I could afford some takeaway). I think it might have been the aftereffects of adrenaline or stress or something. But it just felt… cold. I was shivering like crazy.

      • I guessed you added that segment as background to explain the reason behind how you’re feeling, and I get why you’d be concerned that it shifts the focus of the post. To be honest I think it does draw some of the attention away from the effect it had on you, but without some information there was that big question mark hanging there: what happened to cause this?

        The cold and shivering sounds rather like the after-effects of adrenaline, or perhaps shock — I’ve experienced both a number of times for various reasons. Eating was good advice from your partner, and you need to keep warm (even though the shivering isn’t temperature-related). The money is a problem but the priority has to be taking care of yourself so that you’ve got the physical and mental strength to deal with it.

  3. Sending hugs and warmth your way! It’s tough to say no when you’re a people pleasing NT (like me), let alone dealing with autism challenges on top of that. GRRR – wish I could offer more than moral support 😦 It was nice hearing your voice, even though your words were hard. You have a lovely accent (I’m from Pennsylvania, in the USA, and I love the accent of other languages).

  4. I’m very sorry that this happened to you, and I can relate. I am also autistic and have been a target of some evil people in this world. Words are hard for me today too, but I wanted to suggest that God is able to help you to feel more safe and protected, especially when you can’t rely on another person to do that for you. Please try prayer, and I will be praying for you also. 🙂

    • I really appreciate the thought, thank you. I am not religious myself, but I can tell from your words that your prayers are a good way for you to connect and feel better about things. All the best to you. 🙂

  5. I am very sorry. Keep yourself comforted the best way you can, and keep in contact with the ones close to you, the ones you know you can trust.

  6. Pingback: High and low | autisticook

  7. Sorry that happened to you 😦 People are shit sometimes.

    Watching the video, I can relate to losing words like that, and a lot of the time I don’t think people notice the losing-words side of things, just that I seem really stressed. For instance, in your video, you eventually managed a full sentence, even if it was slow and fairly clunky. I tend to do the opposite, I speed up to the point that I jumble everything up and get stuck on words and just start mumbling half-coherently. Either way, it doesn’t appear stereotypically non-verbal to your average bystander, but the non-verbal aspect is definitely there.

    Quick question – how does losing words interlink with speaking a second language? I mean, is it easier to speak in Dutch than in English? Do you find you lose words more often in English because it isn’t your native language?

    • Oh, I almost forgot – *offers virtual hugs and jumpers and blankets and cups of tea etc etc etc*

      It’s cold here today too, but to tell you truth I love it, mainly because I can’t stand heat/humidity so I spend most of summer internally throwing a tantrum 😛 Also, I really like the novelty of jumpers and blankets and tea etc etc without melting!!

    • The other way round, I think. In Dutch I just tend to shut up completely. In English I have more courage to keep on talking, or to ask for clarification when other people’s words are coming out as “Grabble shootgurd vished wabbledap.”

      • Fair enough 🙂 I’m learning French and I’m going to Paris next year as part of my degree, so I’ve been thinking that if I struggle to make words happen in my native language sometimes, I’d be AWFUL at making words happen in French when I start overloading on my year abroad! xD

  8. Reblogged this on Invisible Autistic and commented:
    Plans have changed and there will be no post from autisticook this week due to personal reasons. I’ll let her post speak for itself on this.

    You can, however, read her previous posts on job interviews under the category, “Job Interview Tips & Tricks” on the right side of my blog.

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