Talents

There are so many things I can do, and do well at that.

I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my nail art, for starters, and a lot of people have suggested I could do this professionally. I don’t think I’m at the level yet that I’ve seen from professional nail techs, but it’s a special interest and I’d probably get there within a year.

I’m a good cook. Not at restaurant level (mostly because my presentation sucks), but if someone asked me to cater an event for 30 people, I’d nail that. I’m really good with taste and texture and what foods work well together. And I rock beer pairings.

I’m a damn good writer. Mostly blog posts, sometimes essays. Even release notes and user manuals. I’m detailed and structured and I have an awesome command of language. I know how to grab someone’s attention.

I’m a good carpenter. I simply *know* how things fit together. It’s called carpenter’s eye in Dutch, just seeing how something might be a millimetre off level without measuring. And I can think up creative solutions when things don’t work out the way you planned.

I can do both front-end and back-end web development. I taught myself. It’s a special interest (another one). And I know I could be even better if I really dedicated myself to a single thing. As it is now, I’m more of a troubleshooter, finding bugs in existing code. I can build simple websites by myself, though. And I know how to work with databases, web servers, and domain name configuration. There is nothing that I can’t figure out with a little bit of time and some Google Fu.

I have an eye for fashion and styling. I know what looks good on people, what silhouettes and colours enhance their natural beauty. I see beauty in everyone, which helps a lot. And I love colour theory. Another special interest.

I’m a cat whisperer. I could do fostering or shelter work. Nothing about cat behaviour fazes me, and I can usually fix it. Mia was a bad case, peeing everywhere out of stress and separation anxiety, but she is a healthy and lovely cat these days. Guido chose me at the cat shelter by ripping my arm open from elbow to wrist. Sweet Guido. ❤

I’m a good photographer, and with better equipment I could take even better photos. The stuff I do now is just by using my camera phone and a little bit of editing. I have an eye for detail, lighting, and framing.

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I could probably think of a dozen other talents or occupations I’d excel at, but the fact is that none of it will work. For every single thing I’m good at, the biggest stumbling block will be that I’m horrible at acquiring new clients, or not offending my managers with my bluntness, or performing those little social rituals that make people trust you and want to do business with you. My talents don’t count.

And the effort of performing at that social level, even at a basic level that people expect from everyone, not even succeeding at that, leaves me so exhausted that I call in sick far more often than other people, thereby guaranteeing even more marks against me. I can’t stop doing it because 40+ years of experience has taught me that if I stop paying attention to the unwritten social rules, stop trying to fit myself into that mold, the results are even more disastrous. So I keep doing it. To survive.

And I still end up unemployed and unappreciated.

Why veggies made me cry

Coping with unexpected changes. Sometimes I can manage. Sometimes I can’t.

I’m picking up my weekly bag of veggies at the shop.

Checkout lady: “You’re not on the list.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I should have picked it up on Saturday.”
CL: “Then that’s someone else’s bag. You can’t take that.”
Me: “Oh I’m so, so sorry! I’ll put it back right away.”
CL: “Do you want next week’s bag?”
Me: “Yes please.”
CL: “Right, then you can pick that up next Monday.”
Me: “I’m sorry? Why can’t I pick it up on Saturday?”
CL: “You can only order bags for Monday to Friday.”
Me: “Yes but I’ve always picked it up on Saturday.”
CL: “We only keep bags for one extra day. So then you want the Friday bag.”
Me: “I guess?”
CL: “Oh, I see you’re already on the list for pickup on Saturday.”
Me: “Yes, that’s the bag I want.”
CL: “OK, I’ll put you down for one bag.”
Me: “So I can’t get this week’s bag at all?”
CL: “[string of words with names of days somewhere in the middle]”
Me: “OK…”
CL: “[string of words]”
Me: “OK, thank you. Bye!”

[Walk out. Try not to cry.]

I’ve taken a look at the website and at the emails I get each week and I still don’t understand. Maybe she thought that I wanted to change my pickup day? Or something? Whereas I just wanted to know when I am allowed to pick up my veggies. Communication is so confusing.

And it basically means I won’t eat any fruit or vegetables this week because I can’t deal with the confusion.

Dammit.

This is autism

Last Monday, Autism Speaks told the world that autism is:
. . . living in despair
. . . fear of the future
. . . exhausted, broken parents
. . . lost, helpless, burdensome children

That kind of autism is not my autism. My contribution to the This is Autism Flash Blog.

I enjoy the sounds of the city around me, the strains of birdsong that I can hear even through traffic, the purring of my cat that almost but not quite manages to drown out all other sounds, the clicking of my keyboard while I’m typing. I hear the trains going past in the distance and I love getting sucked into that rhythm. When I listen to music, I become the notes, the melody, I can pick out the individual instruments and still hear how they work together to create a single sound. I sing along with the counter melody almost by instinct.

I have problems when people raise their voices, start yelling, even from a street away. I have problems with loud cars and motorcycles and airplanes, those sounds hurt my ears so much. Locations with lots of echo send me into sensory overload. Loud bangs, or even just someone clapping suddenly, frighten the life out of me.

This is autism.

I’m able to make the most outrageous statements in a completely neutral tone of voice and with a neutral facial expression.

My friends call it deadpan.

This is autism.

I’m unable to reach the highest shelves in my kitchen or at the supermarket without assistance. That means I either have to buy specialist tools like stepladders with my own money, or ask others to get things down for me. There are no services available. Sometimes I want to cry with frustration when I can’t get something from the top shelf on my own.

This is being 5’3″.

Autumn makes me happy because the piles of fallen leaves make me want to play in them, throw them in the air, smell the mulchy scent of them, hear the whispery crispy sound of them as they’re crushed. Fallen leaves make me feel like a child.

Winter makes me happy because snow is beautiful and shimmery and light. It gives everything a new shape. It’s soft and crispy at the same time. Snowflakes have the most intricate patterns. And having a snowball fight is so much fun, even though the sensory overload from having a snowball land in your collar is indescribable. Snowball fights make me feel like a child.

Spring makes me happy because there is no colour more beautiful than the green of new leaves. I stare up at them and see the sunlight fall through them. And I feel the wonder of new life, of seeing everything for the first time, the wonder of a child.

Sometimes I am able to shake off the shackles of social expectations and act like a child. I wish I were able to do so more often. Not being aware of social rules has its benefits.

This is autism.

I have to deal with people who don’t think like me every day. One of the greatest gifts that autism has brought me is connecting with other autistic people. Sharing the same way of thinking doesn’t automatically mean that we get along, or that we’re all good people. But there is an instinctive level of understanding that has eluded me for so long. Something that is lacking in the majority of people I meet. They don’t understand. And sometimes it seems as if they don’t even want to understand. That they don’t want me to be me.

I’m tired of being told I’m smart enough to figure things out myself. I’m tired of being told to fit in, to stop being so contrary and different. I’m tired of trying harder. I’m tired of getting fired for not being sensitive to office politics, for speaking the truth at the wrong time, for not understanding that sometimes words are more important than actions. I’m tired of having people angry at me for shutting down, for not looking at them, for not responding quickly enough.

This is not autism.

It is not autism that makes people treat me like this. And it is not autism when I’m hurt by how people treat me.

Job interview advice – Situation

This article was first published with permission on Invisible Autistic.

In my previous post, I discussed personal hygiene and what to do with accessories, like shoes and jewellery. Things that may seem superficial but have the ability to get you rejected for a job before you even open your mouth.

This week we’re going to enter the danger zone: what to do when you arrive at the interview.

Arriving on time

“On time” is a terrible phrase when you have a literal mind. If your interview starts at 10:00am, then being “on time” does not mean walking in the door at 10:00am sharp. When planning your journey to the place where you’re having your interview, make sure to be there at least 15 to 20 minutes early. That’s excluding any extra time you may need to navigate traffic, deal with public transport, or making sure you’re not getting lost (tip: I always print out a map with street names of the surrounding area. Having a look around on Google Streetview beforehand is also a good way to familiarise yourself with the area).

The 15 to 20 minutes early is meant as your own private prep time. I’ll explain what you can use that prep time for in a bit.

Arriving too early

If you arrive much earlier than 15 minutes, walk around the neighbourhood for a bit, make note of any interesting features of the area so you’ll have something to use in smalltalk if needed. If the weather isn’t suitable for walking around, you can also go up to the receptionist or office manager (if they have someone like that) and say the following: “I’m sorry, I have an appointment with Ms. Jones and Mr. Smith at 10:00am, but I seem to have arrived a bit too early. Can you please let them know that I’ve arrived, but that I don’t mind waiting somewhere until the start time of the interview?” You can even say that you have brought something to read in the meantime, or things like that. It shows that you are self-sufficient but also take other people’s priorities into account.

Arriving too late

If you’re late: DON’T PANIC! If you’re not at the location 15 minutes before the start of the interview, call the company. This is really important (and also why those 15 minutes are so important to focus on). Tell them that you’re running late and that you’re really sorry. DON’T GIVE REASONS, except when they ask you why. To neurotypical people, reasons sound like excuses, even when you only want to explain. Just say “I’m so sorry, but I’m running late and probably won’t arrive until 10:15am. I know you have other responsibilities as well, so do you want to reschedule the interview to another date?” If you can’t give an estimate (because you’re thoroughly lost, again something you don’t want to say because it will make you seem helpless), simply say that you’re running late and don’t know what time you will arrive, so it’s probably better to reschedule.

Where’s the receptionist?

One of the things I really hate is when I arrive at a company and there’s no clear indication of who to approach. (Actually, I really hated that in my previous job as well, where we didn’t have a receptionist so the managers stationed my desk near the door. Just because I’m the only woman in the company doesn’t mean I want to drop my tasks as HEAD OF MY DEPARTMENT to welcome guests and sign for packages, thanks. Sorry for the digression). If there’s no receptionist or office manager in sight, walk up to the first person you see or knock on the nearest office door, and ask, “I’m sorry, I’m looking for your office manager.” Even if they don’t have one, this question will get you to someone who can guide you and help you settle in. Don’t ask for the person you’re having the interview with. You don’t want to meet them until you’re ready! Still, in very small companies, chances are everyone knows that someone’s coming for an interview, so they might end up getting the person who’s going to interview you. The rule here is to not assume anything, but ASK the next person you see what their name and their job is.

Prep time

Now, if all has went well, you’ve got 15 to 20 minutes to kill until the start of your interview. Use this time to go to the bathroom, make sure your bladder is empty, your palms aren’t too sweaty (use anti-perspirant to make them less so), and your clothing isn’t torn or stained. You can also use this time to swap your shoes in the bathroom if you’re not wearing dress shoes.

But the most valuable use of personal prep time is to make yourself feel confident.

Sound too good to be true? OK, here’s some official research showing that adopting a “power pose” before your interview will make you feel less anxious and more in control. Literally. Your intentional poses can affect testosterone and cortisol levels in the brain (start watching at 10:20 for some examples of power poses). You can do this in the bathroom, or you can adopt some discrete power poses while sitting and waiting. Doing these will also prevent you from slouching too much, something that a receptionist or office manager will mention to others as you appearing uninterested before the interview.

Small talk

The thing so many of us dread. Because a lot of people find it hard, not just autistic people, you can find a lot of resources and information on how to do small talk, like this article on WikiHow or this article with tips from Bernardo Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute (YES REALLY), but I want to highlight some examples of acceptable small talk in an interview situation. Be prepared to do small talk with the interviewer from the moment you shake hands until a few minutes after you’ve sat down!

Good conversation topics are:

• the weather (corny but effective, especially if you relate it to your journey getting to the location, which can lead to you asking what kind of weather is the interviewer’s favourite and do they choose their holidays based on the weather)
• the city the company is located in (do some research on things that make this city interesting if you’re not familiar with it, or mention how long you’ve lived there, which can lead to you asking where the interviewer lives and why they like living there)
• some features of the exact area or building the company or office is located in (even if it’s an industrial park, say something about the amount of greenery, or the architecture of the building, or ask if there’s any good places to eat, which can lead to you asking what types of food the interviewer likes)
• the interviewer’s career – this is a good one since it’s far easier to segue into the actual interview from here, and people love talking about themselves! Ask them how they ended up in their current position, what college they attended, what they love about their work. Do some research by seeing if they have a LinkedIn profile or other online presence. Google is your friend. But don’t mention that you already know the things they’re telling you because you looked it up! Let them do most of the talking.

In my next guest post, I will focus on the actual interview and what to say and do to make a good impression.

Job interview advice – Grooming

This article was first published with permission on Invisible Autistic.

In my previous post, I discussed some of the unspoken rules around the clothes you wear to an interview.

This week, I want to focus on something that I still struggle with myself: personal grooming. Yes, you’ve read that correctly. Apparently it’s fairly common for individuals (both children and adults) on the spectrum to have problems with personal hygiene and grooming habits. I seriously have no idea why this is so. It might be related to hyper- or hyposensitivity (not wishing to be covered in artificial scents like soap and shampoo and deodorant, or not being aware of your own body odour), or it could be something more cultural and social in nature. There’s a lot of social pressure to say that you shower every single day (and sometimes twice a day), but I know for a fact that not everyone does so. Yet people won’t ever admit that, because of the stigma attached to lack of personal hygiene. For myself, I feel perfectly comfortable showering every 3 or 4 days at most. I don’t think people have ever noticed.

For a job interview, however, it’s important that you look and smell like other people.

Hair

Wash your hair the day of your interview. You don’t need to worry about styling, this is completely optional. As long as it doesn’t look greasy you’ll be fine. If you are worried about your appearance, you can go to a hairdresser a few days before your interview and get your hair cut and styled. DON’T under any circumstances get a haircut on the same day as the interview. The stray hairs will drive you absolutely bonkers and you will look like a crazy person constantly trying to pick hairs out of your neck. Trust me, I’ve done this.

Clothes

Make sure all your clothes are freshly washed, with no visible stains or tears. Bring one or two safety pins for emergencies. I usually only discover a hole in my jacket 5 minutes before the interview is about to start. Stains are harder. If you discover a stain right before the interview, one option is to go to the receptionist or office manager (if they have someone like that) and say “Excuse me, I’ve just discovered a stain on my jacket / trousers / skirt. Do you have a wet cloth or some wipes so I can try getting it out?” It may sound counter-intuitive but they won’t be at the actual interview and therefore won’t judge you on accidents or not being 100% prepared. In fact, if you thank them (about 3 or 4 times max) and apologise for the inconvenience, they will see you as an approachable, sociable human being with a normal amount of nervousness. Everyone is nervous before a job interview, right? So that’s a good tactic to get the office manager or receptionist on your side. And believe me, that helps.

Body odour

Put a small anti perspirant stick or roller in your bag or in your outer jacket. I know sticks may feel icky but sprays are usually too big to carry around with you. And you’re going to need anti perspirant, not deodorant – because deodorant is usually only perfume and nothing else. Sometimes, when I’m really nervous, I even dab some anti perspirant on my hands about 15 minutes before the interview so my hands won’t feel too sweaty when I’m shaking hands. Don’t do this too shortly before the interview though, because it might feel too dry. 15 minutes is a good time frame and will give you the opportunity to wash your hands if by accident you’ve used too much.

Fingernails

With many thanks to Ben Forshaw

This is something I was not aware of, even though I am a ferocious nail and nail bed biter. Your hands — and nails in particular — are likely to get noticed. I don’t know how the interview people do that if my attention-to-detail, notice-irrelevant-information autistic self doesn’t. But it’s probably one of those uncanny senses that neurotypical people have to immediately notice things that don’t conform to a certain standard.

So, here’s the advice. For men, nails should be short, neatly-trimmed and clean. For women they should be neat and clean, but can be short or long. What does neat mean? No ragged edges, no bleeding. If painted or false then they should have an even finish (I’m also a ferocious nail polish chipper, so I can attest to that one). Best to avoid nail decoration that’s too flashy or trendy, like very bright colours or patterns. If you habitually bite your nails so they appear untidy, Ben recommends getting a manicure close to the interview appointment: within a day if possible. I’ve never had a manicure but I can definitely see that working. My additional advice: avoid doing DIY or anything with sharp knives in the days leading up to the interview. Plasters and bruises are not an attractive look.

I hit my middle finger with a hammer about two months ago. Don’t do this right before an interview.

Make-up

Here’s where there is a huge difference between men and women. As a man, you’re not supposed to wear any make-up at all, but women are regarded as social misfits when they don’t use any. I hardly ever use make-up myself, but I made an appointment with a make-up artist last year to explain to me how to apply all that stuff properly and what would work with my skin colouring and so on. Because I just couldn’t figure it out. When I wear make-up, I notice that people tend to take me more seriously. It’s silly but it works. So I would definitely advise any women reading this to invest in a (private) make-up tutorial and some products. You don’t have to slather your skin with crap, but some mascara and eyebrow pencil will already make a difference. Take your time to figure out what feels OK on your skin, I find that powders feel less sticky than creams. But even if you have sensory issues, a make-up artist can actually help you find products that don’t feel icky. Still, don’t worry if this is something that you simply don’t feel comfortable with. It helps with a job interview, but it’s not as important as clothes and hygiene.

Jewelry

Again, no jewelry for men. Watches and wedding rings are OK but if you have any other jewelry, take it off. For women, it’s again the exact opposite. I never used to wear jewelry but I have noticed that especially in job interviews with other women, this tends to set me apart as unfashionable and nonconformist. Even men to a certain degree prefer one or two pieces of discreet jewelry to none at all. The easiest option is to invest in a matching necklace and bracelet. You can even use a bracelet to unobtrusively stim a little bit when needed. Silver, gold, and wood coloured necklaces and bracelets work with nearly all outfits. Stay away from big chunky costume jewelry or jewelry with too many gemstones, however, unless you have pretty accurate fashion awareness.

If you have trouble operating a clasp, like I have sometimes, you can try very long necklaces like the white and the green/blue bead necklaces above. You can simply pop those over your head. They’re even fairly easy to make yourself if you don’t have a big budget. Just measure off a long piece of yarn (long enough to wrap around your head at least twice, just experiment a bit), string some beads together, and tie it off with a knot. It doesn’t have to be fancy, as long as you use interesting beads.

Shoes

This is a difficult one. If there’s any industry-specific footwear, like safety shoes for workshops or wellies/rubber boots for farm work, then that’s of course perfect. But overall, I would say leather shoes for men and (moderate) heels for women. However, a lot of autistic people have issues with uncomfortable shoes, especially autistic women and high heels. I personally like them because: toe walking! In public! Without comments! But not everyone does and that’s OK.

The most important thing is that you can walk on them and that your shoes don’t pinch your feet during the interview because that’s distracting. Leather shoes or brogues can be very stiff, especially if you don’t walk on them often. Suede is a bit more supple. Canvas sneakers, like Converse or Vans in a solid colour, are an acceptable alternative. I would advise against other sport shoes, especially white ones, unless you really can’t walk on anything else. A workaround is to wear your normal shoes to get to the interview and then change into your nice shoes just before. However, that definitely poses the risk of pinching or other uncomfortableness, so only do that if you’re sure the other shoes won’t drive you insane within an hour or less. Try it out while sitting on the sofa at home if you’re unsure.

Two last tips: make sure your shoes are absolutely clean (especially sneakers), and never ever wear open toed shoes or sandals, no matter how hot the weather is.

Too much?

That wraps up my advice on clothes, accessories and grooming. It all sounds very superficial, but it helps to not get rejected before the interviewers even hear what you’re capable of. I had a job once doing data entry at an HR department, and I’ve seriously seen interview reports where a candidate got rejected for wearing the wrong kind of shoes. I would love to hear if you’ve got any similar stories or tips to share!

In the next post, I’ll be looking at what to do when you’re early or late for the interview, how to greet everyone, and other situational pitfalls.

Job interview advice – Clothes

This article was first published with permission on Invisible Autistic.

For my first post on job interviews, I would like to tackle something that seems straightforward but actually has a lot of hidden social implications: what to wear to an interview.

There’s a lot of advice on the internet, but I always ended up feeling very frustrated because none of the articles would explain what I needed to wear to this particular interview. And their generalisations sort of seemed to hint at things that I was clueless about.

So I simply muddled along, trying to find what worked. And now, after countless job interviews (literally. I can’t count them anymore. I’ve had a lot) I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned. Autistic style!

Casual Friday?

First of all, there are certain levels of informality / formality that are implied in the clothes you wear. Casual and business attire simply doesn’t cover all the options. So I’ve made a little chart.

Level	Men	Women
1	Naked	Naked
2	Underwear	Underwear
3	Swimsuit	Swimsuit
4	Shorts	Shorts and tank top
5	T-shirt and jeans	T-shirt and jeans
6	Shirt and jeans	Blouse/top and jeans
7	Jacket and jeans	Jacket and slacks/skirt
8	Suit without tie	Trouser suit
9	Suit with tie	Skirt suit
10	Tuxedo	Gala dress

You’ll notice that it’s mostly the same for men and women, although men can get away with jeans for a bit longer and women have a few more styles to choose from. I’ll give you a few examples.

Level 5

Level 5

Level 6

Level 6

Level 7

Level 7

Level 8

Level 8

Level 9

Level 9

NOT OK for interview

NOT OK for interview

The level 9 guy is wearing the same suit as the level 8 guy, just with the addition of a tie. I thought it would be interesting to see the difference in close up.

A few things to keep in mind: it’s never ok to wear shorts, cut-offs, short skirts, tank tops, or crop tops to a job interview, no matter what the position. Well, unless you’re applying for a job serving drinks at the beach, maybe. But even then it’s not a bad idea to at least keep your thighs covered and most of your chest (a shirt can be open to about armpit level). And always wear something with sleeves. This goes for men as well as women.

Trick the company

For most interviews generally, you’ll want to be aiming for about a level 7-9. A lot depends on the company where you’re applying for a job. But don’t worry! There is actually a magic trick that hardly anybody tells you about.

You can simply ask the person you’re doing the interview what you should wear.

Not literally, of course. I’ll give you two scenarios. You can choose whichever one you feel comfortable with. Phone is quicker but scarier because there’s more interaction needed. Make sure to keep a pen and paper handy so you can make notes!

Phone

“Hi, this is Karen, I’m calling to say that I’m really looking forward to our interview on Monday. I’m doing a bit of prep work on the company and I was wondering if you could tell me what most people wear around the office.”
[Answer]
“Oh, that sounds fun / practical / very professional*. Is that for customer facing / non-customer facing positions** or just in general?”
[Answer]
“Thank you, that gives me a lot of valuable information about your company! Well, thanks for your time and if you have any questions for me, you can always reach me through e-mail or phone. See you on Monday!”

* Choose which of the three works best. Fun is shorts and flip flops. Professional is suits. Practical is everything in between. Yes, this will require some improvisation on your part.
** Choose which of the two YOU are applying for.

E-mail

“Hi,
Thank you again for scheduling an interview with me next Monday. In preparing for the interview it would help me immensely to get a copy of your company’s dress code, or a general idea of what other employees in a customer facing / non-customer facing position*** usually wear from day to day. Could you let me know before Friday? Thank you and I look forward to discussing other aspects of the job with you on Monday!”

*** Choose which of the two YOU are applying for.

The beauty of this setup is that you are being honest about what you need (instructions on what to wear), and they get the feeling that you are genuinely interested and want to get to know the people as well as the company. They LIKE it when you ask them what you should wear! Isn’t it awesome?

Uncertainty and colours

If you’re not sure where on the scale their answer falls (especially in IT this happens a lot – IT people don’t pay that much attention to clothes so they can’t or won’t give you a straight answer), err on the side of caution and overdress a little bit, or choose a similar outfit as what they describe other people wearing but with more conservative colours. For levels 5, 6 and 7 conservative basically means no patterns or prints, only solid colours with a preference for muted blues, reds, and greens. Purple is also an option for women. You can do blacks and greys but in those levels you run a risk of being seen as boring. So some colour is better than none. For levels 8 and 9, stick to dark to light blues or greys. Dark to light brown is possible but risky. Black makes you seem like an undertaker.

Comfort level

One important part that I haven’t mentioned so far is your own comfort level.

For a lot of autistic people, clothes can cause a major sensory overload. If this is the case with you, DON’T force yourself to wear something you’re uncomfortable in. It will do you more harm than good. If you think you can make it through an interview in uncomfortable clothing, then by all means do so, but test it out first. Put on your interview clothes inside your own home and do random stuff for an hour or so. If that’s already overloading you, then no way are you going to make it through a stressful interview.

Two options: turn down the interview and look for a job that expects a lower formality of clothing, or disclose to the people doing the interview that you have sensory issues. You don’t need to mention autism if you’re not comfortable doing so, but it’s better to tell people beforehand why you won’t be wearing appropriate clothing. Otherwise they will be surprised and they will hold that against you because interviewers don’t like to be taken by surprise, because that diminishes their power and control over the interview.

If you have some clothing that you feel comfortable in, that fits your body well (not too tight or too baggy), and that still conforms to the expected level of formality, then you’re all set. You won’t have to worry about sending the wrong messages and it will enable you to appear more confident and self-assured. And that’s what half the interview is about.

Final tip

If you feel up to it, ask a trusted and honest friend how you look. Or take a picture of you in your interview clothes and post it in an online community where you can expect honest feedback. I still do this for every interview I have. It really helps to have someone look at your clothes with a fresh eye, and it has nothing to do with being autistic or not! Everyone can make clothing mistakes sometimes.

In my next post, I’ll be talking about accessories, make-up, and grooming. Not the monkey kind.

Lists are an autistic thing, but they’re not an impairment

So, after the success of my huge list of things that I think make me autistic, I figured I’d give it another go. My childhood interview was pretty much a fail (more about that later), so I knew I needed some way to show the diagnostic therapist the impact that the autistic stuff has on my life. Which goes against every instinct I have. Because I hide my vulnerabilities and I concentrate on my strengths. Which is a healthy thing to do. Except when a diagnosis is completely dependent on having a significant impairment. “Needing some acknowledgment and validation” is not a diagnostic criterion yet, unfortunately.

Writing this list took me countless drafts, different set-ups (Word or Excel document? Order by categories or severity?), innumerable tears, and 11 days. It was a really hard thing to do. But it was necessary. I also toyed with the idea of making it funnier by listing examples, but then decided against that because I need this to be as bleak and depressing as possible. I might have to cheer myself up with writing a list of things I’m awesome at. Anyway, without further ado, the list of things I suck at!

FINANCES

I have no overview of my bank account balance.
I don’t pay bills regularly.
I have no idea which bills have been paid and which haven’t.
I have difficulty prioritising payments.
I have no idea of the amount needed to cover my monthly expenses.
I have difficulty assigning budgets.
I sometimes buy things I can’t afford.
I’m unable to save up money for big expenses.
I forget to open letters and bills.
I have problems organising important documents.
I forget to do important things like apply for unemployment.
I forget to return important forms.
I have difficulty replying to important emails.
I have difficulty writing job application letters.
I get upset about making phone calls to companies and organisations.

PERSONAL CARE

I don’t take regular showers.
I don’t brush my teeth regularly.
I have difficulty remembering to put on deodorant.
I wear the same underwear for several days in a row.
I sometimes forget to shave my armpits even when I’m wearing something sleeveless.
I bite my nails and nail beds, sometimes until they bleed.
I pull out my hair.
I pick my nose even in public.
I sometimes forget to go to the toilet and end up wetting myself.
I forget to eat breakfast.
I usually have no energy to make dinner.
I postpone making appointments for the dentist, the doctor, and the hairdresser.

HOUSEHOLD

I don’t do my dishes regularly.
I don’t clean my kitchen work area regularly.
I don’t vacuum and clean my floors regularly.
I don’t clean my toilet and bathroom regularly.
I don’t do laundry regularly.
I don’t maintain my garden.
I don’t tidy up after myself.
I leave my dirty clothes in a pile on the floor.
I forget to throw food out when it’s gone bad.
I often use knives and plates from the day before.
I forget to bring empty bottles to the recycling bin.
I don’t change my sheets regularly.
I sometimes forget to take out the garbage.
I have problems keeping my clothes and shoes organised.
I forget to water my plants.
I don’t clean the cat’s litter box daily.
I have problems throwing away things I have no use for.

WORK

I’m often late.
I call in sick too often.
I don’t know how to pick my battles or agree on small things even when privately disagreeing.
I don’t know how to voice my opinion in an empathetic, non-confrontational way.
I get very upset when my own priority list gets changed by my manager.
I have difficulty handling criticism that I think is unfounded.
I don’t know how to handle tasks I have no knowledge of.
I have difficulty asking for help.
I try to postpone phone calls to customers as long as possible.
I have difficulty answering emails when I don’t have a real answer yet.
I always follow unimportant rules (like no private internet use at work, or wash up your own coffee cups).
I get upset when other people don’t follow those rules.
I get confused when there are implicit rules that nobody says out loud.
I have problems with lying to customers to protect the company’s interests.
I have difficulty handling unscheduled meetings.
I get upset when people are talking close by or when the radio is on while I’m trying to work.
I get upset when a ceiling light malfunctions.
I don’t like company outings that involve more than just having a couple of drinks.
I have difficulty joining coworkers for lunch unless explicitly invited.

FAMILY AND RELATIONSHIPS

I forget to congratulate people on their birthday.
I forget to plan a visit or send a card when someone has just had a baby.
I don’t often take initiative to meet up with family or friends.
I don’t call family or friends to ask how they are.
I forget to give small compliments.
I need to be explicitly told that information is private and not meant to be told to others.
I have difficulty not focusing on solutions when someone tells me about their problems.
I have problems in the early stages of a relationship because I get obsessed with the person.
I don’t know how to keep a conversation going when I’m not interested in the subject.
I rehearse conversations in advance.
I get upset when someone is late.
I don’t know how to talk to others about my own emotions.
I feel more connected to my cat and my books than to most people.
I often have trouble thinking about what someone else likes to do, unless they tell me.
I don’t know how to introduce myself to strangers.
I often say inappropriate things.
I often take things too seriously.
I have problems not interrupting people when I think of something interesting to say.
I get very upset when I think people are not listening to me.
I am too trusting of strangers.

FEELINGS

I have problems coping with changes in plans.
I always order the same things in fast food places.
I have irrational food dislikes that I disguise as allergies.
I get upset when I’m in a crowd.
I get very upset from loud or ongoing noise.
I get upset in brightly lit environments.
I don’t like having the TV on.
I have problems personalising my environment (like hanging up pictures).
I have problems disconnecting from dreams on waking up.
I have problems watching thriller or horror movies and knowing it’s not real.
I don’t get anything done when I’m sick or in pain.
I get angry when being complimented on something that I think is undeserved.
I get stuck on things needing to be perfect.
I hide in my bedroom for weeks when I feel unable to cope with things.
I hate myself when looking at this list.
I want to be perfect.
I don’t want to be normal.

Just for the lol of it

It’s not only autistic people who have trouble reading body language cues or make really awkward social mistakes.

Making new friends on the underground

John Mayer and Kanye West failing the high five hug

Ryan Seacrest trying to high five a blind man

I don’t want Taylor Swift to hug me either

No comment needed

Lowfive fingerwiggle shakebump?

Ouch

Knee pads are a sensory nightmare

This is why I never high five anyone

Too many choices, so she goes back to clapping. Good girl.

Get out of my face!

Source: Buzzfeed

Highly verbal even when alone

“There was something I wanted to blog about today. I just can’t remember what it was,” I say to the kitchen tap as I’m filling the kettle. “I should have made some preliminary notes last night.”

I play with the cat a bit, until the water starts boiling. “Sorry sweetie, I have to make water now.” As I walk into the kitchen I tell the kettle, “Make water, silly, I meant make tea. Tea tea tea.”

Then as I’m rummaging around for the tea bags, I lift my head and say to my teacup, “Oh! I just remembered. I wanted to write about talking to myself out loud!”

I’ve lost my marbles… © Johnsroad7 – Dreamstime.com

I think everyone is familiar with the trope of the “town crazy”. We had one in the town where I grew up. An old woman swathed in several colourful coats, shawls, skirts, and other pieces of fabric, walking around town with a small grocery buggy and muttering to herself. Sometimes she’d yell things that nobody understood. The children were usually a bit scared of her but the adults said she was harmless, just out of her mind. The only thing everyone agreed on was to leave her alone and don’t engage her in conversation because… well, you never knew. After all, she talked to herself out loud.

As do I.

I also meep to myself, sing phrases to myself, ummm to myself, shhh to myself, berate myself and laugh at myself. I sometimes do this via my cat because it’s more acceptable to talk to a cat and say “Oh, owner was being a bit silly wasn’t she? Yes she was!” than to directly address myself and tell myself I’m being silly. Out loud.

“You’re silly.” Yes self, I know I’m silly. Now shut up.

It’s funny because I don’t think I’m crazy. It’s just easier to vocalise thoughts sometimes, to get them out of my head when it’s getting crowded in there. Or just random sounds. One of my coworkers was the first to point out that I constantly made small noises while concentrating on a task. I’d never noticed. And while I knew I liked the sounds of certain words, I never realised I would sing them to myself over and over if I went to do something associated with that word.

“Cuppa tea cuppa tea cuppa tea tea tea.”
“Ooooh! Books! Books books books books books.”

(Note: I am actually choosing examples here with words that sound fairly similar in Dutch and English. I can’t make myself use an example where the Dutch word is just completely different, because translating it to English simply sounds wrong. I can’t do it).

So now I’ve described three ways of talking to myself. One is just sounds, meeps, ummms, pompoms. One is probably echolalia, repeating words or phrases (even though I’m repeating myself, not repeating someone else or something I heard on TV, so I’m not sure if that counts). And the last one is fully formed sentences that are a logical representation of what is going on in my head. A one-sided conversation, if you will.

It sort of feels like they all serve the same function. A way of soothing myself, of making myself focus, or helping me think and make concepts more concrete. It doesn’t feel very different to just be pomming to myself or to speak in full sentences. Except that with the full sentences, I become gradually aware at that particular moment that I’m talking to myself out loud and that this is the sign of a crazy person and not socially acceptable. But I don’t really give a damn, to be honest.

I’m still struggling with wrapping this post up in a nice and tidy conclusion.

The thing is, it’s all new to me. Not the talking out loud or making sounds. But the awareness of it. The fact that these are all well-known autistic behaviours. I didn’t even include any of them in the list of symptoms I wrote for my therapist. So other than describing what I do and how it feels to me, I’m at a loss to interpret any of it and give it some meaning. At a loss to embed it in the autistic framework that I’m slowly building for myself.

Never mind the social implications.

Because that old lady talking to herself? She’s just like me.

Cognitive love

Hoera! (Hurrah in Dutch) – picture by my sister-in-law

My baby nephew is celebrating his 1st birthday tomorrow. He’s my youngest brother’s first child and so very adorable. But my brother and his wife are both adorable too so I guess it’s a genetic thing. 😉

Anyway. Because I’ve been so fixated on the birthday party being tomorrow (notes in my Google Calendar and everything), I completely forgot that his actual birthday is today. Until my sister-in-law posted a picture on Facebook showing my nephew with a party hat.

Oops. My mind immediately went into social panic mode. Keep in mind that this is my brother, who knows better than anyone how awkward I can be and who loves me regardless. He’s the only person in the family who isn’t socially awkward in one way or another (my father’s pretty good with people as well, but he admits it’s still not entirely effortless and he doesn’t really start enjoying it until after one or two drinks). None of us are diagnosed but my youngest brother is very obviously the only neurotypical person.

I had no idea what was expected of me.

I’m going to the birthday party tomorrow. My brother knows this because he invited me. So should I congratulate them tomorrow? When I’m supposed to be there? Or is the posting of this picture some kind of clue that they’d like to be congratulated today as well? Will they be upset if I wait until tomorrow? Or will they say I’m silly for calling to congratulate them when I’m already coming by tomorrow anyway?

OK. Hold on. Take a deep breath. YOUR BROTHER LOVES YOU. Nothing you can do will make him think you’re any more of a fruitcake than you already are.

And so I arrived at the easiest solution. I called my brother and asked him if he wanted to be congratulated. He laughed and said yes. And also that he liked me calling to ask. And that he was looking forward to seeing me tomorrow.

I love my family. Even if I have to reason it out sometimes.

Smile

I was thinking about how nervous I was about the diagnostic process and her reading my letter. Trying to keep my breathing even. Looking at a painting on the wall. Trying not to fidget too much.

“Do you realise you’re smiling right now?” said the therapist as she looked up from my letter.

I looked at her, feeling confused. “What do you mean?”

She clarified, “Here in your letter it says you often smile at inappropriate moments. So I was wondering if that was what is happening now. You’re smiling. Are you aware of that?”

I started grinning and said I had no idea I was smiling. And then got completely confused about what I am saying because yes I know I am grinning now. But not smiling a minute ago, I didn’t know that. Was I really smiling?

She said she could see that the grinning was a nervous reaction. Those things are obvious to people who can read faces, I guess? And she said she understood what I was trying to say. So I could stop worrying about my words and what my face was doing without me having any control over it. When I had permission to stop doing words I could start feeling. I felt… at a loss for words. That’s how they call it when you can’t grasp a concept, when it doesn’t fit reality. When things simply don’t make sense. I don’t know how to describe my feeling.

I was smiling.

I didn’t know.

Rijsttafel

This is not going to be an actual recipe, but a description of a fairly typical Dutch thing called “Indische rijsttafel”. I’m not going to spend a lot of time describing what it is because there’s plenty of resources available for that. What I am going to spend some time on is explain why “rijsttafel” is a picky eater’s idea of heaven.

Eating out is always stressful for someone who has trouble deciding what he or she wants. This is not just “being difficult”, it’s the difference between a snapshot decision for a neurotypical person and an overwhelming multitude of equally valid choices for an autistic person. How do you decide? It’s not that easy. And what if you hate whatever you ended up choosing because everyone was staring at you and waiting for you to make up your mind? The social rules governing complaints about food are another minefield that’s nearly impossible to navigate.

This is why I love rijsttafels. In Dutch Indonesian restaurants, you sit down, someone decides how much money you’re willing to spend per person, there might be a few extra questions about what kind of rice everyone wants (white, yellow, fried, or sticky – easily solved by just getting every kind) and that is it. Next thing you know, there’s about 40 different dishes being served out. You can be as picky as you like and simply start by eating some rice, then if you feel confident or relaxed enough, try a very small spoonful of whatever looks non-threatening. THIS IS HOW EVERYONE EATS RIJSTTAFEL. It’s awesome.

So in case you ever get the chance to eat at a Dutch Indonesian restaurant, I thought it would be nice to show you some of the dishes that you may encounter.

	Nasi putih	White rice. Think that’s fairly trigger free with regards to texture and taste. Unless you don’t like rice.
	Nasi goreng	Fried rice. Usually contains bits of egg (with omelet texture) and fairly easy to spot bits of cooked ham and leek. Can contain other things as well. Took me years before I could eat it, too many different textures going on.
	Nasi kuning / koening	Yellow rice. My favourite. Slightly sweet coconut taste but dry, not sticky.
	Lontong	Sticky rice cakes. You don’t see them very often. Fairly mushy, tastes of white rice and water.
	Daging rendang	Looks terrible, but it actually tastes brilliant. Slow cooked beef in a creamy lightly-spiced sweet coconut sauce.
	Daging semor / smoor	Another one that looks terrible but isn’t. Slow cooked beef in a sweet-spicy soy sauce.
	Daging rudjak / roedjak	Slow cooked beef in a thick spicy sauce.
	Daging bali	Slow cooked beef (noticing a theme here?) in a very spicy sauce (made primarily with crushed chili peppers)
	Sateh / sate	You guessed it, satay. Comes in several different forms, although the most common is chicken (ajam) with a medium spicy peanut sauce. Texture of the sauce is usually very smooth.
	Sateh kecap / sate ketjap	Same as above but instead of peanut sauce, it’s served with a spicy-sweet soy sauce, a bit sticky. Much nicer in my opinion.
	Telor	Means egg. Can come in several varieties like “Telor Sambal Goreng” (the most common one, a spicy currylike sauce). I can’t stand hard-boiled eggs so I avoid them.
	Sayur lodeh / sajoer lodeh	Several different vegetables lightly boiled in coconut milk. Usually contains cabbage, green beans, carrots, and bean sprouts. Sometimes also tofu or tempeh. I like it but wouldn’t recommend it if you don’t like slippery veggies.
	Sambal goreng boontjes	My favourite vegetable dish ever. Green beans in a sort of coconut / chili pepper stew. But the green beans should still be chewy instead of mushy. Sometimes they get it wrong and then I’m really disappointed.
	Atjar	Pickles. Atjar tjampoer is mostly cabbage and carrots, and atjar ketimoen is mostly cucumber. Vinegar which means I stay away from it, so no idea what it actually tastes like.
	Tempeh goreng	A pressed soy bean product. Cut in small pieces and fried in a spicy sauce. Very peculiar, sort of sticky texture, spicy and sweet taste. I really like it.
	Krupuk / kroepoek	Prawn crackers. Can be a bit odd at first because the air bubbles in the crackers sort of suck on your tongue. OK, that sounds weird. But it is actually quite a funny feeling. Like cheese puffs.
	Seroendeng / serundeng	Toasted shredded coconut with sugar and spices
	Pisang goreng	Battered and deepfried banana. Nothing wrong with that.
	Spekkoek	Cake made out of extremely thin layers of vanilla and a sort of spice cake batter. Moist and sweet, but not overly so. Texture is almost like pancakes. If you are not so sure about wanting to try Indonesian food, at least try this. It’s spectacularly yummy and it’s a lot of fun trying to peel the layers apart even though other people will think you’re weird for doing that. But who cares. 😉

Related articles

• Rijsttafel revisited (autisticook.wordpress.com)
• Basic “Rijsttafel” (gonsfoodcorner.wordpress.com)
• Different Perspectives: Dining Out (inneraspie.blogspot.com)

A day in the life

9:15am
That’s nice. Cat has allowed me to sleep in for a change.

9:20am
Get dressed in clothes I remembered to pick out yesterday evening (based on criteria of cleanliness and making me feel confident and pretty enough to go to outdoors festival thing). Feed cat. Check to-do list and remember to put on deodorant.

9:28am
Make tea and remember to have breakfast. Yay me! Another item off my to-do list.

Toast with prosciutto and mozzarella

9:35am
Spend 5 minutes agonising over what to do with my hair. I should have made an appointment at the hairdresser’s about 2 months ago. At least I took a shower yesterday so don’t have to worry about hair also being greasy.

9:45am
Check bag for necessary items (purse, keys), put jacket on and go to bicycle shop. I want to exchange the second-hand bicycle I bought there for another one because I don’t like the tires on this one, they make me fall over when I try to turn a corner. I should have done this the week after I bought it. It’s now been 3 weeks.

9:47am
Discover the bicycle shop is still closed. This upsets my schedule. I need a bike before 11:00am.

9:52am
Nice man from launderette next door notices my trundling back and forth and tells me bicycle man is on his way.

10:03am
Bicycle man arrives and I explain why I’d like to exchange the bike I bought from him. He asks me for the receipt. I reply that I’ve lost it but if he needs it I’ll go back home and look for it, no problem, I understand, I’ll go home now then? I think my voice sounds fairly panicky. He says it’s ok, he remembers selling me the bike.

10:23am
Finally manage to choose one bike from all the ones he has for sale. I should take my time and consider all the options but I feel like I have to make a choice. And this one looks nice and it’s more expensive than the old one which sort of makes up for my guilt about returning it weeks later and without a receipt.

10:26am
Get home and realise I’m 34 minutes ahead of schedule. Make more tea and read some blogs.

11:03am
Look at clock and notice I’m now running late. Oh bugger it. Check bag for necessary items (purse, keys, phone, sunglasses, sunscreen, deodorant, scissors, plasters). Tell cat goodbye and cycle to train station on new bicycle.

11:10am
Spend next 10 minutes trying to wrestle bicycle up and down train station staircases to get to correct platform. Luckily the 11:25am train is late.

11:25am
The announcer says something something mumble something 11:25 train to Amsterdam will depart mumble mumble. There really are a lot of people on the platform. Why can’t they shut up so I can hear what the announcer says? Panic slightly, then tell myself fuck it, if train departs from a different platform I can simply take the next train. Relax.

11:32am
Train arrives. I’m not going to be in Amsterdam at 12:00pm. And I don’t have a hand free to text or call my friend to say I’m running late, because the train is super crowded. As in, we’re standing on the balcony. With three bicycles. One lady in a wheelchair. 8 Spanish tourists. And a very loud hen party, 3 of whom are trying to find the toilets.

Empty train balcony (photo by Recensiekoning)

11:57am
Arrival at Amsterdam Central Station. I’ve reached the point where every time one of the hens screams, I screw my eyes shut and hunch my shoulders. I know this makes me look like a nutter. I don’t care. I just want to get off. When the doors open I manage to hoist my bicycle out without tripping, falling down the gap between the train and the platform, crashing into someone else, or making a complete idiot and/or nuisance of myself. Victory.

12:04pm
Realise that my headlong flight out of the station has been in vain, because I need to go back in and find an ATM. Fuck. Do I have to?

12:12pm
Finally on my way. Bliss. Sunny weather, bicycle. I’ve lived here long enough to know the fastest ways to get somewhere, but also the quietest and most scenic ways. Guess which one I’m taking. It’s beautiful out here.

12:24pm
Arrive at beer festival location which is a farm out in the middle of nowhere. Not that many people here yet, which is why I wanted to get here early. Lots of choice in food and beers. Start feeling panicky again because there is no leaflet listing where to find what. I don’t like having to make a choice while people are looking at me expectantly. I don’t know what I feel like having. I end up having a low alcoholic beer from the last stall in the line up because it’s set up under a large tree and the dappled light is soothing and they look like nice people and I don’t want to walk back because people might think I’m being rude. Their beer turns out to be very nice.

12:30pm
Friend arrives! I always feel less conspicuous in company and this is a close friend who knows I’m dealing with the autism stuff right now and who is the first of my offline friends to know about this blog.
*waves at offline friend*
Spend next hour or so just talking and trying out food and beers. Having fun! Also take some new pictures for blog header.

14:00pm
Small anxiety spike because ex shows up. I get along OK with ex but he always says very rude things about good friend. I don’t know how to deal with that. Decide to try and focus most of my conversation resources on friend and not worry about being rude to ex, because tough titty.

14:30pm
More people arrive. Another good friend joins group. Getting more crowded. Still having fun though. Although the music is a bit distracting. Maybe I should pace myself. But I’m having fun!

15:00pm
First friend has to leave because he’s having people over for dinner. Awww. It’s now getting so crowded that someone has to stay with seats at all times to prevent them from being taken by others. Sun is also getting very hot. Decide to move to a quieter spot with ex and other friend. Turns out quieter means less crowded, but louder music. Still having fun though!

16:00pm
Can’t remember much from this point on. People. Sunlight. Music. Talking everywhere.

17:00pm
Realise I need to go home. Well, should have gone home about 2 hours ago. Another friend is here and he’s doing this spiel with my ex about therapists saying I have no right to decide what’s best for me because well, autism obviously means I’m not capable of coherent thought and it’s really funny. But I notice my responses are getting flatter. So I should probably head home.

17:35pm
Actually say out loud to my friends that I should probably head home because I’m getting tired. Say goodbyes.

17:50pm
Cycle back to train station. Still gorgeous weather and gorgeous scenic route. Very nice. More traffic on road though. Have to pay attention.

18:04pm
Decide that it’s more practical to leave my bicycle across the water because that’s where I can pick it up when I cycle to work. Take the ferry behind the station to drop off my bike on the other side. Am fast enough locking my bike that I can take the same ferry back. Score!

18:24pm
Take more pictures for blog header. Realise I’ve just missed the train back.

18:36pm
Next train arrives. I get a seat to myself. Not for long. Two minutes later I get joined by four boisterous males in their early twenties. I know this because they proceed to talk about their own ages, the ages of the girls they could be dating, and the age of the boys their sisters are dating (one of the sisters is dating a Russian who is 5 years older than her and whose parents have a speedboat and a dacha on a lake somewhere), for the next 25 minutes. I feel old when they start talking about a girl born in 1996. I’m honestly trying not to pay attention and to concentrate on what I’m reading. But I can still recall most of their conversation a day later. It isn’t even interesting. How fucked up is that.

19:02pm
Thank god I can get off the train. Oh. Just thought of something. Bugger. Because I took my new bike to the station this morning, and that new bike is now in Amsterdam so I can use it for my work commute, I don’t have a bike here at the station to get home. Will have to take bus. Bugger McBuggerypants.

19:03pm
Call friend in UK while walking to bus station because this is usually a good time to reach him. Talk on phone for what probably amounts to an hour. I think. Somewhere in that time I must have gotten on a bus and got home. No idea what time though. I think I might be talking too loudly on the phone. In English. People probably hate me. I always hate people who talk too loudly on their phones when on the bus. And instead of talking about my day so I can start calming down, I talk about all sorts of things that are among my special interests right now and I’m getting more and more hyper by the minute.

20:10pm-23:00pm
No idea. Complete blank.

23:00pm
Realise I’m really really tired. Go to bed. Read for half an hour, then turn off lights.

00:15am
Still awake.

2:00am
Still awake. Images from day still going through my head. Reliving conversations. Not in an anxious or worried way but I keep going back to things. Can’t let it go. So tired.

2:15am
Give up trying to fall asleep and start reading book again.

4:15am
Turn lights off again. Fall asleep.

5:30am
Wake up again. Go downstairs to get some water. Fall back asleep after about 10 minutes.

7:02am
Get woken up by cat biting my foot because his food bowl is empty. I love my cat. Honestly.

Are you coming? I’m HUNGRY.

Social scripts: a play in one act

Or, what happens when a co-worker wants to ask you a question about something work-related but feels the need to have some chit-chat first.

© pholidito – Fotolia.com

Co-worker:
hi, had a good weekend?

Autisticook:
yeah sure, you too?

Co-worker:
can’t complain, 2 nights north sea jazz and 2 birthdays on saturday

Co-worker:
so yes 🙂

Co-worker:
you done anything fun?

Autisticook:
north sea jazz, great!

Autisticook:
who did you see?

Co-worker:
err… do you have an hour or two?

Autisticook:
hahaha

Co-worker:
Friday Roy Hargrove, Diana Krall, Seesick steve
Sunday Nynke Laveman, Javier Limon, Marcus Miller, Ben Harper, Bonnie Raitt, and Sting

Co-worker:
all never seen before and all very awesome

Co-worker:
and some bits here and there from other artists

Autisticook:
yeah that’s how it goes at north sea, that’s what makes it fun 🙂

Co-worker:
indeedy

Co-worker:
you’ve been?

Autisticook:
i went when it was still in the hague but haven’t been to rotterdam yet

Autisticook:
so it’s been a while

Co-worker:
ahhh, i haven’t been for years either when it left the hague but it’s more fun than i thought even though ahoy [the venue, ed.] is so massive

Co-worker:
so simply go 🙂

Co-worker:
i had a question about that ftp issue…

© pholidito – Fotolia.com

What follows next is meant to be a funny explanation of how I process social cues, a bit like a fake anthropological article. It’s not meant to be taken 100% seriously although the tips and tricks will very likely work in real-life situations. If you can’t laugh at yourself, what’s the point? However, from some (non-autistic) reactions it appeared I was too subtle in my humour, that’s why I added this explanation. If confusion persists, I might have to resort to colour-coding the funny bits.🙂

I’ve developed my script for dealing with “how was your weekend?” because I noticed that answering truthfully wasn’t a socially acceptable option for me. Apparently neurotypical people get very uncomfortable when you say “I played computer games” or “I read a book” (well, actually 3 books).

Note the first strategy in line 4: deflection. Mostly, people who ask about your weekend do so for two reasons: because they think it’s the polite thing to do and because what they really want is for you to ask them about their weekend. So, deflect the question back to the other person.

Sometimes they don’t take the hint and will ask you again, as in line 10. In that case, deploy the second strategy: ask them specific questions about something they casually referred to in their first answer. In this case, I could have asked whose birthdays, and get them talking about their family or their friends. I picked North Sea Jazz because I have some specific knowledge about this so it’s easier to ask questions that will keep the other person talking. You can even volunteer some information but only do this if you’re absolutely sure about how it will be received. In this case, I mentioned I had been to North Sea Jazz as well because I know that people like having shared experiences (*). However, I didn’t mention that I stopped going because the crowds and the noise drive me bonkers. That’s too much information.

Keep on doing this until the other person gets to the question that prompted them to start a conversation or until they walk away. Neurotypical people don’t have hyperfocus and have a low boredom threshold so it usually doesn’t take too long. Good luck!

(*) Edited to add: This is only true for general locations or actions. If it’s talking about specific experiences that trigger an emotion within the NT, they will think you’re selfish for trying to focus the conversation on yourself. A safe course of action would be to keep on asking the NT questions or to only agree in short sentences like “Oh, me too!” or “I know exactly what you mean” when you’re not sure of the emotional content of the experience.

Related articles

• Institute for the Study of the Neurologically Typical (isnt.autistics.org)

Paying attention

IMPORTANT. READ THIS FIRST.

In this post, I’m going to be looking at biological stuff. After I finished writing, I realised that this could be easily read as advocating for a “cure” for autism. Nothing could be further from what I want to say. I don’t want to be fixed or cured. “Cure” thinking has done and is still doing so much harm to autistic people, that it almost stopped me from publishing this post.

However, I think the link between depression, ADHD, and autism could still do with some examining. Maybe we’re all part of a really broad spectrum. Maybe we’re all differently wired in a similar way. Maybe we can be who we are without feeling horrible or being made to feel horrible about it.

Maybe we aren’t alone.

© fotovika – Fotolia.com

In an earlier post, I wrote about how important it is for me to do things that activate my reward centre. I speculated that the lack of achievement in housekeeping was the reason my reward centre wasn’t lighting up with nice juicy dopamine, and so I didn’t have enough motivation to do any regular housekeeping. This is how recreational drugs work, and sex, and food, and any other pleasurable activity: they increase dopamine levels which in turn activate your reward centre.

The reason why I was thinking about rewards and dopamine is because since about the beginning of June, I have been really struggling in several areas of my life. I started a new job after being unemployed for 10 months, I decided to quit smoking, and I got referred to a mental health clinic for an autism diagnosis. Maybe a bit too much to cope with all at once.

But was that all?

Normally I feel pretty damn good whenever I manage to actually do something, even in my bleakest moments. Look, I did the dishes! The rest of the house is still a mess and I haven’t paid the bills in over two months, but screw that, I did the dishes! I’m awesome! Now, that sense of pride seemed oddly muted. Was this depression? It didn’t seem to be, I was feeling very overloaded with work and smoking and autism but not necessarily sad or down. Overwhelmed, unable to deal with sensory stuff, pretty normal for me in that kind of situation. The muted feeling was new.

And then I made a brain leap. That’s how it felt. My brain jumped up and landed in a different spot. A spot labeled “dopamine”.

You see, I was a very heavy smoker. Think 45-50 cigarettes a day. So when I decided to quit, I asked my GP for varenicline because I’d heard good things about it and figured it would be the support I needed in overcoming my dependency. It worked like a charm, the first day I used it I was down to 23 cigarettes and after 5 days I smoked about 8 a day. Instead of 50. And it didn’t cost me ANY effort. I just didn’t feel the need.

How does this work? Well, nicotine, like other addictive drugs, makes your dopamine levels peak. So there’s an instant reward when your nicotine receptor gets activated. Varenicline prevents this reward by making the nicotine receptor less sensitive, and at the same time mimics a low level of dopamine so you don’t go cold turkey.

So I was weaning myself off my dopamine addiction. And lowering my overall dopamine levels.

And suddenly I didn’t like alcohol as much. I didn’t pay my bills. I couldn’t keep my house clean. I hid in my bedroom. I bought things I normally never eat, like crisps and chocolate and cakes. I had a very low threshold for loud noises and bright light. I nearly broke down at the thought of having to take the train to work. I couldn’t focus on my work as easily as I used to do. I began compulsively refreshing my Facebook feed and email and rapidly switching from one browser tab to the next. I started stimming heavily (whereas I could have sworn I didn’t ever stim. Nope. Not me. Not stimmy at all).

I started thinking that maybe there was a blog post in this. So I looked up dopamine on Wikipedia, googled some stuff. And then I stumbled onto this.

We usually think of dopamine as a chemical messenger that is related to things like reward or drug addiction. But more properly, dopamine signaling has to do with salience, how important something should be to you at any given time. Dopamine spikes are associated with the pleasure of drugs or good food or sex, but they also say “PAY ATTENTION TO THIS”.

This is from an article called The Dopamine Side(s) of Depression and it looks at several behavioral studies done with mice to look at how dopamine works. Go read it. It blew my mind.

Because besides the “Pay attention to this” effect – which I’m starting to think could be part of why sensory processing disorders, for example difficulty to filter out background noise, occur so often in autistic people – the research also looked at the role of dopamine in social defeat stress.

You take a normal mouse, and put him into a cage with a bigger mouse. The bigger mouse “owns” that cage. He’s a retired breeder and very aggressive. He will usually launch himself right at the poor intruder mouse, beat him pretty badly, resulting in a “social defeat”. The mice are usually separated very quickly so the larger mouse doesn’t injure the intruder, but the defeated mouse is partitioned off in the case, where the aggressive resident can still threaten and bully the poor guy.

The mice that were given high level dopamine stimulation showed signs commonly seen in 10 day social defeat (less social interaction with other mice, less inclination to engage in pleasurable activities)… after only 2 days.

Let me repeat that for you. The mice that were bullied and beaten up showed signs of depression MUCH FASTER after giving them high levels of dopamine.

Are we on to something here?

Depression. Hyperfocus or the lack of focus. Unable to filter sensory input. Decision making (assigning priorities). Even motor skills are commonly linked to dopamine.

But social behaviour is a new one for me.

Can autistic people simply be part of the large group of people who are differently dopamine-wired?

Related articles

• The dopamine side(s) of depression (scientificamerican.com)
• Sensory gating (en.wikipedia.org)
• Voice may not reward autistic kids (abc.net.au)
• The Roles of Dopamine and Serotonin in Decision Making (ncbi.nlm.nih.gov)
• Four genetic markers associated with five psychiatric disorders (clinicalpsychiatrynews.com)